Mar 30 2012

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Dating and Using Pornography – If You Use Porn, Don’t Be Afraid to Talk About It With Your Partner

Carolyn Hax started her advice column in 1997 as a weekly feature for The Washington Post, accompanied by the work of “relationship cartoonist” Nick Galifianakis. She is the author of “Tell Me About It” (Miramax, 2001), and the host a live online discussion on Fridays at noon. While she is off, her friends help dole out advice, some of which I thought great opinions!

On pornography:

I believe that feelings about porn should be included in those initial heavy relationship discussions when you talk about religion, children, anger-management techniques, honesty, gay friends, money, etc. Opposite views on any of these should potentially be enough to call a wedding off. Early in the relationship should be the time the man says, “I view porn on occasion, I would never choose it over you, and it doesn’t affect the way I think about you or behave. I will respect you by not viewing it in front of you, but I will not sneak behind your back to view it or accept you scolding me about it.”

This takes courage because her response might be, “Fine, I’m outta here.” If that happens, it would be painful but better for all involved in the long run.


EDITORIAL: I totally agree with “B”. The mentality of porn use has changed drastically and I think it’s high time we talk about it. Men say there’s nothing wrong with using porn but then they hide their use and lie about it. I say “Anything you have to hide and lie about is not something good, alright or healthy to have in your life”. Jerry Springer recently had transgendered guests who had lied to their bf or gf about being a man and were surprised when they were attacked for their deception. While Jerry’s guests usually have extreme situations, our sexuality is one of our most intimate features and shouldn’t be taken lightly. If you’re having sex with someone, whether it be virtual or physical, oral or intercourse, the ONLY mature and responsible way to have any type of sexual relationship is to be with someone who is aware of and consents to the activities you have in mind.We all feel deceived when someone lies, no matter what the lie is about and when it involves sex, we tend to feel a deep and personal violation which some would liken to rape or molestation. That’s a perfectly normal human response to any type of sexual deception.

If you have sexual habits in your life that you plan to continue and you’re dating someone, you HAVE to be honest with your intended partner about your sexual preferences if you’re going to have a mature and adult relationship. Too many times, we try to fit the person we are with into the relationship we want instead of finding the right person who fits into the type of relationship we want. By doing this, we miss the person we’re supposed to be with. You can’t see that “Mr. or Ms. Right” if you’re stuck in a relationship with someone who’s not the right fit 🙂

I have religious couples write to me regularly asking if it’s wrong to do this or do that in their sex lives, especially because of their religion. I always tell them “If you and your partner are comfortable with what you are doing and you’re communicating about your feelings about exploring these different activities, it’s perfectly healthy and “RIGHT” to do the things that you are doing as long as all activities are legal and all participants are consenting and well informed adults. God gave us pleasure centers to enjoy sex so he obviously meant for us to use it for more than procreation. I don’t believe God preached monogamy but I’m quite sure he said couples have to be honest with each other! While I may be an anti-porn industry activist, I’m definitely not a prude lol!!

To have a healthy relationship with someone else, you must have honesty and trust. There are plenty of people out there that have arrangements inside their relationships and they are healthy relationships because they are honest and informed about the scope of their lives. There’s healthy relationships out there without sex but I can guarantee you, there are no healthy relationships out there that are lacking in honesty and trust. You can’t have one without the other. If you lie, your deception will be found out eventually (or eat you alive with guilt) and everything else you’ve done that may have been right will be all for naught. If your partner isn’t into the same things you are, you either need to come to an agreement to deal with those differences in a healthy way or go your separate ways. Whichever it is, all parties will at least be able to make an informed decision and those decisions will lead to a lifestyle that everyone can agree with.

That’s what you do with people you love!


Desi Divine

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